The Belly Flap

This has been something I’ve wanted to blog about for a few days now. When I hit anything over 230 lbs, I develop a belly flap. It’s an overhang of skin and fat much like the one at the link below.

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/tmzs_show_us_your_guts_contest#43888

You can sort of see the overhang action in the first picture below. This picture was taken last month around my 33rd birthday. Excuse the bad bedhead and pajamas. At least I put a bra on before having this picture taken, right? Here’s what 275 lbs looks like on a 5’4″ petite body frame.

There are a few things that make the belly flap unwanted (sorry, flappy).

• When it’s hot out, it gets sweaty under the flap. I have a bit of a heat rash going on right now because it has been unseasonably hot the last week, and I’m careful to make sure it’s very well washed and dried every day.
• Our society dictates that a belly flap is unattractive, and by those standards I have to admit it looks particularly unattractive in jeans. The only way to hide the flap is to wear loose yoga pants or a skirt or a shirt that is long enough to cover the flap.

When I was in my late teens (and average size still) I remember being at West Edmonton Mall with some friends and noticing a lady who had a very large belly flap. She had flipped it up onto the handle of a shopping cart, and was leaning on it to walk. It made me feel deeply sad for her state, and I remember wondering how she got to that place in her life.

Sometimes I watch those 1 tonne man or woman shows on TLC, because I’m fascinated by an obesity condition that has completely handicapped a person. I’m often thinking that could (might be) me someday, because at some point they were 275 lbs and just had a belly flap. I don’t see a lazy person self destructing as the professionals and family members on the show tend to imply. I see a slippery slope of bad choices and mental and/or health conditions that are out of control.

I don’t want to be that person. As painful as it is to watch, I make myself sit through the show as a self reminder to keep being active. Keep moving. Never give up on myself.

Living Large in an Average Size World

As an obese person, I sometimes feel like my weight is a handicap. The world is built to fit average size people, and those of us who aren’t average size have to make adjustments to live large in this average size world.

I often wonder how other obese people feel about this…

I am going out of town with my husband for our anniversary this weekend and I have to remember take my life jacket with me because we are going on a zodiac whale watching tour, but I don’t fit into a standard size life jacket.

When we were in Jamaica I did not have a plus size life jacket available, so I had to wear an average size one around my waist like a life saver. I felt embarrassed about it, and covered my embarrassment with humor. Ironically, this was one of my favorite pictures because it really captures my goofy sense of humor.

In July of 2006 I decided to go kayaking with my family, and purchased my first life jacket. The one I purchased seemed to fit fine in the store, but when I wore it while kayaking, it became very clear the fit was not going to work. An average size person’s life jacket will sit inside the kayak opening next to the person’s body. I fill the whole opening, so the life jacket is pushed up and sits outside the opening, as you can see in this picture. It’s very uncomfortable and I felt incredibly self conscious and embarrassed.

I took it back and exchanged it for a life jacket with a mesh on the upper area, and that works so much better.

I want to point out that I don’t usually allow my weight to stop me from doing fun activities like snorkeling and kayaking, and I try to find ways to work around them and push down any insecurities or embarrassment I might feel about living large in an average sized world. I cope with my insecurities by laughing at myself or being goofy.

On occasion I allow my weight to stop me from trying something I want to do. Dancing is one of those things. I would LOVE to be comfortable enough in my skin to just let my inhibitions go and dance freely.

Bra Day

It was 1989 and I was 13 years old. The details of that sunny Sunday are etched into my memory forever. I was wearing a pretty little white blouse with eyelet lace across the chest. And my very first bra underneath.

My mother spent many hours convincing me a bra was now necessary, and to give her credit, my first bra was a C cup, and I totally admit she had a point (pun intended).

The biggest reason for my resistance lay in the fact that not a single other one of my friends had enough curves to justify even an A cup, and I just did not want to accept that my body was changing, and much quicker than all of my friends.

That fateful Sunday I had been invited to go to a travel expo with a couple of my friends after church.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the church bathroom mirror just before we left and was mortified when I realized you could tell I was wearing a bra. The outline of the bra was visible through the tiny holes of the white eyelet lace on my blouse.

I refused to take my coat off at the travel expo even though it was one of the hottest days of summer and I was pouring buckets of sweat. My two flat chested bra-less girlfriends finally coaxed me into confiding the reason for my self-induced heat torture.

The next day at school they announced to the entire class that I was wearing a bra and shared the coat story from the day before.

Oh the humiliation!

Oh the shame!

My “crush” turned around and said something about “the bra” directly to my face and I pretty much died inside.

Thus began my journey of crushed self esteem and body shame.

Update on "doing what works"

At a reader’s request… here’s an update on doing what “works”:

1. Issue: No energy, low motivation, lethargic
Solution: Floradix iron & Vit B liquid supplement. Multivitamin specifically formulated for “Active Women”.
Result: Still taking all of them and have lots of energy. Have been finding I’m quite tired in the morning, but I’m not much of a morning person anyways, so that doesn’t surprise me.

2. Issue: No libido
Solution: Maca root supplement
Result: Just finished my first bottle (taking 2 capsules/day) and have definitely noticed an increase in libido just the last week.

3. Issue: Low immune system resulting in too much sickness
Solution: Immune boosting Kyolic Garlic & herbal immune boosting tincture
Result: So far so good.

4. Issue: No menses since March 9th.
Solution: Reintroduce Metformin in low dosage (1/3 of full dosage)
Result: Still no menses. Not as much bloating and gas. Ready to up my dosage to 2 metformin/day starting next week.