A Pregnancy Test

I had been feeling some symptoms of pregnancy, sore boobs, fatigue, no appetite… So I did a pregnancy test.

My heart started pounding as the second line showed up. I couldn’t contain my excitement and ran out to the dining room to share the news with my dh and ds. They were ecstatic. We exclaimed over it, and talked about the expected due date, and what it would be like to have a new baby in the family. I don’t remember us all feeling that excited and happy in a long time. It was a beautiful moment.

Then dh took ds to school, and started working.

I had taken pictures of the pregnancy test. And as I looked at them on my screen, I suddenly had this strong doubt about it being positive. Something was different. One line was perpendicular. But the other was vertical. Like a negative sign. I did a quick google, and discovered that I had probably unknowingly bought a pregnancy test that should have been a plus sign for a positive test. I’d never seen one like that before. The dozens of tests I’d used in years past were all just blank in the second window when it was negative.

The disappointment and anguish that flooded over me is indescribable. I found the instructions for the pregnancy test, and my heart sunk to my feet as I confirmed my worst suspicions. I wasn’t pregnant at all. Negative. Again.

I went upstairs and called a friend and sobbed my heart out as I told her what I’d done. How was I going to tell my husband and son of my mistake? I contemplated just letting my period start and telling them it was a miscarriage. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide my hurt and disappointment until that happened. I had to tell them.

The first break B got at work I broke the news. And sobbed. He held me close and comforted me as I tried to apologize for my mistake.

When I picked ds up from school he had this beautiful delighted grin on his face as he ran across the playground to meet me, “Mom, I didn’t tell anyone our secret!” I had to break the sad news again. And it broke my heart as he sobbed. I held him close and tried to comfort him.

He tried to find the positive through his tears, and said the same words my husband had said earlier in the day, “Well, now we can travel, mom.” I don’t deserve these wonderful men in my life.

I asked him if there was anything I could do that would help. He said, “Suzy’s chicken fingers.” Like mother, like son, in times of crisis, one must have comfort food. We got some books out of the library and ate comfort food while reading in the restaurant together.

I don’t know if we’ll ever conceive. In those few moments when I thought I was pregnant it all felt so magical. A Christmas miracle. It’s hard to let it go again. Yesterday was one of the best, and one of shittiest days in my remembrance.

Setting a Fitness Goal

As I lose weight and am able to do a little more physically, I’ve been thinking about setting a fitness goal for myself to accomplish when I get to my goal weight. I’ve thought about a few options, like running a half marathon, or swimming the English Channel, but let’s get real, people. Who am I kidding? I wear a size triple D bra so running and I have never been a happy match. I am not a strong swimmer either, and the English Channel is not anywhere in the near vicinity. I have a feeling that ain’t gonna happen either.

So, it has to be attainable.

It has to be local.

It has to be fun.

There are only two words that fit this description. Bike riding.

As a child I spent my entire summer holidays riding my bike. I loved the feeling of speed, the rush of the warm prairie air in my face, the feeling of complete freedom. My brother and I would race to the library, not speaking, just riding. We would do full day bike rides all over the network of bike paths in Calgary, Alberta – Fish Creek Park, Forest Lawn to the Zoo and Prince’s Island Park.

So here I am today, 33 years old, and I haven’t ridden a bike since the summer of ’99. More than ten years. But I love riding bikes. It’s so incredibly exhilarating, liberating, and free. What happened? Why did I stop?

Before moving to the deep south I went on one last long bike ride, sold my bike to a co-worker, and haven’t been on one since. My excuses have varied. It’s too hot and humid (in Georgia). I don’t have a bike and I can’t afford to buy one. I’m too fat. I’m not in good enough shape. And on, and on, and on.

My husband has offered to find me a bike many times since we met, but I’ve felt a real resistance to committing to having my own bike again. I was 175 lbs the last time I rode a bike, and now I weigh 256 lbs. That’s a big scary difference.

Deep down there’s a lot of fear. Fear of breaking the bike. Fear of pain. Fear of falling. Fear of hating it. Fear of failure.

Over the years I’ve had the most success in conquering seemingly unattainable dreams merely but putting them out there. Writing it down. Setting a reasonable goal date. I gave myself 5 years to open my own business and move to a gulf island. Within less than a year I had reached both goals.

So, I’m setting myself a goal with a deadline. When I reach my goal weight of 140 lbs, I want to ride the entire circumference of Gabriola Island. I mapped it out this afternoon, and it’s 26.7 km/16.6 miles. I figure if I continue losing weight at the rate of around 1 lb a week, in 117 weeks I will be ready to accomplish this goal, sometime in the spring or summer of 2011.

Cheat Meals while on a Healing Cleanse

After completing our Candida cleanse, we have been allowed to have one  “cheat meal” a week of the foods that were initially eliminated by Dr. D when we embarked on our healing cleanse last August. We were warned there may be some slight to greater discomfort, but for the last 3 weeks we’ve gone ahead with the cheat meal. Here is what happened…

Cheat Meal 1:

B’s Birthday, Appetizers and Dessert: Pakora with sweet and sour sauce, Vegetable Spring Rolls, 1/2 slice Peanut Butter Pie, Cranberry juice and club soda. Following day, 3 slices of left over birthday vegetarian pizza.

Result: Major stomach cramping, bloating and gas, forcing me to leave the table and hide out in the bathroom for a few minutes.

Conclusion: Pretty sure the sauce was the main culprit, and the appetizers were most likely full of MSG which I’m severely allergic to. Woke up the next morning with a sugar hangover, puffy eyes, bloated stomach. Even though it was just supposed to be a single meal, I still ate the leftover pizza. Took about two more days to fully recover. Surprisingly, I lose over 4 lbs this week.

Cheat Meal 2:

Indulging the Cravings: Homemade baked shells & cheese with ketchup, and lemon meringue pie.

Results: Apparently shells and cheese is a “trigger” food for me, cause a cheat “meal” turned into a cheat “day”. I had a large serving of the shells and cheese for lunch, and then two large servings for dinner, with a small piece of pie. I over indulged so badly that I threw up that night.

Conclusion: Although it tasted better than I had imagined, throwing up was not worth the indulgence. The next day I took the rest of the shells and cheese, along with the remaining pie, and gave them to my dad to finish off. I had a more difficult time getting back on track, and had a couple days of cravings and over eating on my low cal diet.  I didn’t lose or gain any weight this week.

Cheat Meal 3:

Home Group Potluck: About 3 sips of coca cola, Amy’s frozen vegetarian lasagna, 1 slice whole wheat garlic bread, half an egg salad sandwich, a small slice of pineapple upside down cake, 1 christmas shortbread cookie, half a slice of carrot cake, a cup of black tea with a splash of milk (or maybe cream?) and half a t of sugar, and a Purdy’s milk chocolate bar.

Results: Although it sounds like an enormous amount of food, I wasn’t uncomfortably full, possibly because potluck servings are always smaller than normal. That said, I wasn’t able to fall asleep till almost 2 AM. This morning I woke up feeling just all right, but not great.

Conclusions: My biggest regrets were the dessert and caffeine.  The dessert didn’t taste as good as I expected, and I didn’t feel as satisified as I expected I would. Not being able to fall asleep is never worth it for me.

Final Conclusion

I’ve resolved that yesterday was my last cheat meal until we’re done this cleanse and can resume eating regular foods in a less haphazard manner. Some foods I won’t ever reintroduce into my diet because they just make me feel crappy, such as sugar and caffeine. I find that when I’m avoiding foods that contain sugar, I’m also largely avoiding preservatives and other unwanted ingredients like MSG. I feel light, clean, and really healthy eating this way, and I don’t feel the need to add problem foods back into my diet.

Face Comparisons of Organique Gal

Pic 1: Feb 26, 2009                   Pic 2: Sep 19, 2009               Pic 3: Nov 28, 2009

What do you think?  Do you notice a difference?