March 7, 2008

I’m going to remember that date. That’s when I finally had enough with the binge eating, and went to see a counselor. I haven’t binged since then that I can recall. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel I put that part of my life behind me for good.

Mom, I want a baby sister

The other day my darling sweet son, who is 5, brought me a drawing he had done on his white board.

DS: “See mom, heres you, and dad, and me, and that’s my baby sister.”
Me: “Wow…” (not sure what to say)
DS: “I am going to start praying that God gives us a baby sister.”
Me: Speechless

=(

No more meds for me…

During November I kept forgetting to take my metformin, so pretty much the whole month went by without me taking it regularly… This was the same month that I was a new vegetarian and dropped 10 lbs without even trying… I had a lot more energy, and a lot less bloating.

Then I started taking the met again every day. My extreme gas came back (loud and proud!), and I felt bloated and crampy all the time. AND… I immediately gained back 5 lbs in less than a week.

So, I’ve decided that I’m not going to take Metformin anymore.

My stepmother is taking some courses to become a herbologist (I think that’s the right term?), and she’s been taking notes on all the fertility related herbs. We are going to mix a fertility concoction for me to try over the next few months, and I’ll keep my blog updated with results.

Still haven’t had a period since the middle of September…

Another observation of mine this week. I had a skim milk half decaf/half regular latte three mornings in a row last week, and my stomach was KILLING me all day! I eat cheese all the time without any trouble, but for some reason when I have milk, my stomach is not happy. Yesterday I had a coffee without all the milk, and no trouble at all… *sigh*

Leaving the fair behind…

It’s days like today that make me really and truly loathe myself.

I started it off with an extra large steeped tea, 3 sugar, 3 cream, accompanied by a toasted buttered sesame bagel with egg and bacon, all from Tim Hortons.

For lunch I had an organic whole wheat tortilla bean and cheese burrito, slathered in organic sour cream and organic salsa… YUM! Next was Tostito brand tortilla chips with that awful plastic fake cheese dip… ick… I ate only a little of that before it completely grossed me out… Of course I had a coke and a bag of malted easter eggs I found on sale… I felt literally ill from all the sugar by the time I left work…

Dinner was organic crackers (ritz type) with organic creamcheese (about a Tablespoon) and half a chocolate easter bunny. I just didn’t feel like cooking, and nothing appealed to me, so I didn’t make a proper dinner.

It’s 10 PM. I have a headache and am off to bed.

I’m covered in hormone induced hives. Oh yippee.

Why the heck is my life controlled by FOOD?! Why does it even matter what I eat?! Honestly… Does it matter? Isn’t the fact that I interacted with my son today of greater importance? What about the people I made laugh at work? What about the time I spent talking to my fiance? Isn’t that what really defines LIFE for me? Food is NOT life. Food is sustenance. Period.

What am I so scared of? Why does the thought of losing weight for good terrify me?

Is it the idea of change?

Is it the fear of failure? That maybe I’m not ABLE to lose weight?

Is it the fear of success? That once I lose the weight I’ll still loathe myself and it will have all been a sad sad commentary on my pathetic lack of self worth?

What exactly holds me back from achieving everything I want for myself?

I say it’s because I am numbing the pain… Or numbing the fear… Or drowning out the self criticism that screams in my mind day after day…

It’s a pointless exercise, buying healthy organic foods, and then bingeing on garbage. What’s the freakin’ point? What a waste!!!

Leaving the Fair Behind
by April Gibson

I’m sick and tired of this roller coaster life.
One minute I’m high on life,
The next I’m plunging to my death.
Then I’m climbing out of the abyss,
Then plunging down again.
Now I’m upside down,
Then I’m right side up.

Time to just put my hand up,
Ask the ride conductor to let me off.
Walk past the popcorn.
Walk past the cotton candy.
Walk past the hotdog stand.
Walk until I come to a meadow.

Birds singing. Blue skies.
Bright sun. Cool grass beneath my feet.
Trees on the hills in the distance.
The jangle of the country fair music of my life,
Just a faint memory.
Breath in the fresh air.
Breath in, breath out.
Breath in, breath out.

Let the cleansing wind blow through my hair.
Close my eyes and let the smells wash over me.
Fresh mowed grass, clean air, mountain breezes.
Listen to the sounds. Stand still.
Birds chirping. Wind blowing. Grass ruffling.
Open my eyes and drink in the sights.
Blue skies, squinted eyes in the bright sun.
Lush green grass shifting and bowing in the breeze.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Put my hands out and feel the wind.
Close my eyes and believe I’m flying.

Free from the hectic rush and press of life, in this meadow.
The roller coaster is still and I have walked away.
I look behind me, but it is dark and I see nothing but stars.