Healing the Trauma – Part 2

Last night I finally had enough of the binge eating being out of control, and went to see my counselor. God, I love her! She started working with me to confront my inner critic and put her to rest, and to comfort the vulnerable part of me that is constantly beat down by the inner critic. It was a very powerful session and completely wore me out. There’s still a LOT of work to do, and she wants me to come in a couple times a week. I’m really looking forward to dealing with this issue in my life. I’m finally breaking a 20 year habit of self loathing and hate, which makes me self sabotage.

Things I observed during my session:

• April’s vulnerable side is about 12 years old, and is constantly hearing the voice of her mother telling her that she better get control of her weight now or she will end up fat like her, and nobody will ever love her. Vulnerable April believed that and got fat out of spite.
• April’s critical side loathes the vulnerable side and thinks she is pathetic and weak. April’s critical side has no compassion or patience with April’s vulnerable side.
• The binge eating that I do is intended to disconnect me from thoughts about things I don’t want to address. (Which we are going to talk more about next session.)
• Eating consciously (with the TV and computer turned off) disrupts my ability to disconnect and tune out and is very uncomfortable and basically defeats the purpose of bingeing, and stops the binge mid-stride. Last night I wanted to binge after the session cause I was feeling tired and raw, and TW (my counselor) had made me promise not to eat in front of the TV or computer, but to savor each bite. So that’s what I did. I got myself a big bowl of cheesies (one of my favorite binge foods) and sat and ate and tasted each bite. I stopped wanting to binge in that moment.
• Ironically, the things I binge on are foods I don’t normally like when I’m eating with awareness. I actually enjoy the taste of healthy foods more than the unhealthy foods I binge on.

Last night I had a dream…

I was at a UPCI conference, sitting with my best girlfriends, Kara, Loro and Nikki. Nothing had changed – except me. I was wearing pants, short sleeves, makeup, and short hair. I still felt the same presence of God that I remember growing up. I had that same friendship closeness with my best girlfriends. I confronted my biggest self perceived critic, the Pastor’s wife. I went right up to her, gave her a hug, and looked past the look of condemnation and fear for my salvation on her face, and saw the woman I looked up to and admired my whole childhood and into young adulthood. She had a hard time accepting me as I am now, I could see that, but I didn’t let her disapproval get me down. I just moved on to the next and the next and the next person I grew up loving. It was a wonderful reunion, just the way I wish it could be in real life. It was great to see everyone, and for the first time since May of 1999, I was able to just be who I am without apology or shame, and their judgment of me had no impact on my life now.

Counseling rocks. =)

Trauma and Counseling

Yesterday was my last day of counseling and it was a really hard one. We started dealing with the trauma of my abusive marriage. Words simply can’t express how difficult it was to start working on healing that trauma. I was really distracted during the session and couldn’t concentrate, which I’m pretty sure made it worse, not better. :’( The healing memory that I resourced was a day we spent at Westwood Lake kayaking. Dad, H, B, ds and I were there and it was a really hot day. It felt so good to paddle around on the cool water… I remember eating spicy thai chips… Really warm and comforting memory.

I panicked after the session when I found out there are only two counselors who uses the same methods and one has a waiting list and I can’t get in till some time after June, and the other is out of town. Not only that, but I found out the first one charges $100 an hour, and isn’t covered by my insurance, so I couldn’t go see her anyways. I’m sure the other one is at least that much or more. The only other option is that I could walk in and hope to get my counselor on Fridays, but no guarantee. I might try doing that for awhile and see how that goes… =/

I stopped at 7-11 and bought a king size reeses pb cups, large bag of crunchy cheesies, a coke, and a couple trashy magazines and had a full blown binge. Then we went to Montanas and I had a small plate of vegetarian nachos and rootbeer. I was sooooooooooo sick last night. My stomach was cramping like crazy and I was just miserable, but it took my mind off the pain I was feeling inside from my counseling and my frustration with not being able to continue the healing process. So I guess it accomplished the goal.

So here, I am this morning feeling disgusted with myself, having a pity party, and not sure how to deal with this today.

Healing more trauma

Yesterday was a really great session with my counselor. We talked about my relationship with God, and connected with the warm feeling of water washing over me my body with the presence of God and his presence feeling like a warm hug. Then we revisited the trauma when I was disfellowshipped from TC, and then allowed the presence of God to heal that trauma. God spoke to me and told me that the fear and anxiety I felt was the unknown of being thrown out. That unknown is no longer the unknown, and God had a plan and a purpose for my life, and has brought me where I am now for a reason. When we revisited the trauma, the huge feeling of disconnect from the situation was no longer there. It has always felt like a huge chasm between myself and what was happening when I remember it, and now it’s just a memory, no more important than the memory of picking my son up from preschool last night. I can think about that incident without breaking down or feeling huge anxiety. Right now as I type this, the only thing I’m feeling is hunger cause it’s almost 11:30 and I haven’t had breakfast yet. LOL In the past I would have felt angry and hurt and upset.