Peace in the Storm…

Last night I started bleeding heavily and have had intense cramping for the last 24 hours. Tonight I passed a couple masses, and we said goodbye to our 11 week plus 1 day old baby that had stopped growing in my womb sometime around 5 weeks ago.

There’s no way to prepare yourself for something like this. For the past week I have agonized over every little spot, every little cramp, hoping it would miraculously stop, but knowing in my heart that something was terribly wrong. There have been tears, laughter, friends, prayers, and tonight, deep sadness tinged with guilty relief that the wondering is finally over.

How do you explain to your 6.5 year old child that the sibling they have been praying for is going to heaven before we even get a chance to meet him or her? Before we went for the ultrasound yesterday I pulled my dear sweet boy onto my lap and told him that I was having signs that something wasn’t right with the baby, and there was a good chance they would be going to heaven sooner than we hoped. Wordlessly he wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and sobbed his disappointment into my shoulder. I have no words to express how my heart shattered for him in that moment.

We had names picked out. If “nemo”, as we sweetly dubbed my tummy, was a boy his name would have been Maxwell Brian. We all love the name Max, and Brian is my dad’s name. I adore my dad and would have been honored to have the chance to name my son after him. If the baby was a girl, her name would have been Eliza Mae, named after Brent’s gran, Eliza May, but with a change of spelling to match mine and my gran’s middle name, Mae. Both our grans died before we were ready, so it seemed fitting to have our love for them grow on in our daughter.

I saw our baby on the ultrasound screen. So tiny and perfect in every way. Thank you for waiting till I was able to see you with my own eyes.

Tonight I laid on the couch with my feet on my husband’s lap, sipping red raspberry leaf peppermint tea he brewed for me, and talking to my midwife on the phone about our loss. I felt safe to cry with her because she understands the cycle of life and death like nobody else I know, and she feels like the closest thing to talking to my own mom, who passed away over 10 years ago now. We’re linked together by a unique thread. My mom labor assisted her daughter’s birth more than 30 years ago. We have both lost dear ones to cancer. She was there for me when my son was born. It makes sense that she is the first one I wanted to call to tell about our loss. I love you, sweet friend. Thank you for listening and understanding.

After both Brent and I talked to my midwife, we were commenting on the deep peace that has settled over our home and our hearts tonight. The sweet presence of God, here to witness the soul of our child being released into His care, comforting us, and confirming that all is well. Rest in peace, sweet baby. You will never be forgotten.

Please feel free to leave comments below, but we ask that you refrain from calling our home for the time being. Thank you for understanding our need for privacy…

Inconclusive and confusing ultrasound results

When I found out I was pregnant with my son I went in to have my first ultrasound thinking I was between 11 and 12 weeks, and came out being told I was only 7 weeks along. I hadn’t written anything down and wasn’t tracking, so I just took their new EDD with little comment or thought… I have polycystic ovaries so my “normal” is very wonky. I had only had three cycles the entire year I got pregnant with ds, so I wasn’t surprised that the dates were off… a month is a lot, but still… I can go 6 months without a cycle, so quite honestly, menses dates mean nothing to me… and I had no idea or inkling I was pregnant, so was sort of walking around in a daze anyways. I went into labor on his due date and he was a healthy full term 8 lb 8 oz baby two days after the revised due date they gave me at my first ultrasound.

Yesterday I went for my first ultrasound, thinking I was 11 weeks, because I’ve been having spotting and cramping for more than a week now and we were all concerned that I was possibly miscarrying.

The tech looked and looked and looked. She asked for the date of my last period. December 12th. Then she asked the date of the FIRST day of your last period. Yes, like I said, December 12th. How sure was I of my dates? Positive. I wrote it down.

I started getting nervous and asked if she could see a heart beat. Her answer was strange. Well… no… but you’re only measuring 6 weeks and 1 day, so that is normal. Huh?! My immediate thought was that the baby stopped growing and was no longer viable…

Then she swung the screen around and showed me that it likely IS viable. There was the yolk sac, the little perfect embryo, the amniotic water… The tech pointed out that the line around the uterus was clear and black, which doesn’t indicate any re-absorption, but rather growth. She also explained the spotting – implantation of the placenta.

I went out to the waiting room and told my husband and son I’d explain in the car. Prior to my appointment we had agreed that if the baby was gone, I would not invite them in, but if there was a heart beat they would come in to see. And here I was, still in limbo, with neither scenario!

Despite having polycystic ovaries, the month I got pregnant this time was the third month in a row I had a normal cycle after almost completing our healing cleanse.

When I got home I pulled up my fertility chart to see if I could make sense of it all. I started charting Dec 12th, the first day of my last period… I had signs of ovulation, and we had sex on Dec 26, Dec 29 and Jan 11th. We haven’t had sex since – we both had a horrible virus for a month, then I wasn’t feeling well, then I started spotting, so we know for SURE those are the only three possible conception dates…

I got my first positive pregnancy test result on January 12th, and referring to the cart, that would place my date of conception on December 29th, for a Sept 21st EDD. The pregnancy test was a strip. I got a positive… very very faint… couple hours later used another one and it was darker… went to the doctor’s office, and they confirmed it was positive too…

Yesterday I’m told that I have a totally normal looking viable 6 week old plus 1 day EMBRYO, putting my new due date at October 25th. I am SO confused I can’t even begin to tell you where my head is right now. That’s not possible. EVEN if I got pregnant on Jan 11th, it’s not even remotely possible I would have been able to have a positive pregnancy test on the 12th. And that still places my EDD at October 4th, NOT the 25th, so there’s still a 3 week discrepancy.

I also don’t know how to explain the whoosh whoosh of the placenta was that we heard on the doppler… or the fetal movement the doctor was sure he picked up… or the flutters I’ve been feeling… Indigestion?

I’m having my progesterone levels checked, and will hopefully have those results later this week.

Something showed up on my blood work that I am wondering about now too… apparently I have borderline hypothyroidism, which can cause slow fetal growth…

At the end of the day I’m still pregnant, albeit less pregnant than I thought. I don’t know what to think. So until I know otherwise, I’m thankful to be pregnant, and am praying for a healthy baby.

Prenatal Care: Taking Your Power Back

If you’re anything like me, you find medical environments overwhelming and intimidating. In theory I’m a powerful woman with a voice, but put me in a sterile clinical office and something awful happens to me. I turn into mush. I nod my head stupidly and stutter over stuff I know better than to agree to. I always feel like I have to justify my decisions and I get all mixed up and confused.

This happened to me last Monday at my first prenatal visit, and I’ve decided to stop the cycle. Hopefully my experience will inspire others like me to do the same when they are put in a situation that makes them awkward and removes their voice. I challenge you, the patient, to stop being intimidated and speak up when doctors are doing things you don’t agree with. Find your voice. Take your power back.

Names removed to protect privacy…

On Monday, Feburary 22nd I had a first prenatal visit with Dr. X. She offered to see me because my regular doctor, Dr. Y, is on vacation, but I did not have a patient/doctor relationship established with her. During the visit she questioned me about my first birth, and challenged the choices my midwife and I made, which I thought was very inappropriate and upset me because the choices we made had the best possible outcome – a healthy baby and a healthy mom.

Next she took my blood pressure, which was understandably high (144/91) after all the questioning. She took me to another room to have my blood pressure checked again on a different machine, and took that opportunity to usher my husband and son out to the waiting room. I was under the impression they would come back when I returned to the examination room. I brought them with me because I wanted them present for the whole visit. Having a baby is a family affair, not a medical procedure behind closed doors.

When I returned to the examination room, she offered to do an internal exam because I had some questions about some lightly colored discharge the night before. I said no, it was probably best to leave it and see what happens, and her reply was “everyone says no to an internal, I’m going to go ahead and take charge here and just do it.” I said okay because I felt pressured by her take charge attitude, but my gut instinct was that it wasn’t a good idea.

The room was icy cold to the point that my feet were cold for hours after leaving the office. I mentioned it to her and she said the heat hadn’t been working all morning and she had performed other pap smears that day under the same freezing conditions, and they had a call in to have someone come look at it. It’s a horrible procedure under “good” conditions. Lack of heat made it unbearable.

When I returned home I was very upset to find I was spotting. I spotted off and on for the next two and a half days. At no point in the appointment did the doctor mention that an internal exam could cause spotting. I thought I was miscarrying and was very distraught, obviously not a good thing as I was trying to get my blood pressure down. It was my midwife who later reassured me that an internal exam can cause spotting and it isn’t always an indication of an imminent miscarriage.

I had a follow up appointment scheduled for yesterday morning, but after talking to my midwife, I decided to cancel it, and when I called the doctor’s office, inquired into the best way to submit a complaint about my last appointment. The receiptionist said she would find out and call me back.

I was shocked when I got a call back later that afternoon, and it was Dr. X, not the receptionist as I had expected. She invited me to share what went wrong with the appointment, and I have to say I gained a huge amount of respect for her in the way she handled my complaints. She was empathetic, apologetic, and very humble. She let me speak, heard me out, and not once made me feel foolish or inferior. A sincere apology and an honest explanation make all the difference in the world. She even took the time to read my chart thoroughly before calling me, and made me feel like I was important and she truly cared about her doctor/patient relationship with me.

I have decided to go back to the clinic to have my blood pressure checked on Monday, but we both agreed it’s in my best interest to have another doctor do the reading and appointment. I am satisfied with how a horrible appointment has now turned into a feeling of empowerment.

Moral of the story? You have a voice – use it!

Prenatal Ultrasounds & Doppler Use

There’s a trend in the pregnant community that I find disturbing. People are purchasing their own Dopplers to monitor the baby’s heart rate at home. I’m concerned about the frequency of it’s use, and how people seem to think it’s “neat” to hear the baby’s heart beat on even a daily basis without weighing the possible risks.

The other trend I have noticed is that expectant parents are opting for much more frequent sonograms/ultrasounds, not out of concern for the baby’s development, but more from an entertainment perspective. A series of videos and 3D scans to show their friends and family has a certain “cool factor” that can’t be denied.

But what about the effects of the technology on the developing fetus? If nothing else, go into the ultrasound appointment with knowledge, and make an informed decision.

Fetal doppler technology is based on the Doppler shift principle. This theory was first discovered by Christian Doppler an Austrian physicist in 1842. Doppler discovered that sound waves from a moving source would be compressed or expanded, or that the frequency would change.

Dopplers work on the principle of listening to reflections of small, high frequency sound waves (ultrasound). These ultrasound waves are generated by microscopic vibrations of pizeoelectric crystals. When the waves are reflected from moving objects, such as a foetal heart the frequency changes slightly. It is this change that is analysed by the electronics of the doppler and converted into a sound that you can hear or a digital display of the heart rate.(Source: Ana Wiz Ltd)

Some concerns about use:

While ultrasound generally is considered safe if properly used when information is needed about a pregnancy, the FDA has expressed concern over the burgeoning use of the technology for entertainment purposes, such as in “keepsake” pictures and videos.

There is evidence that the exposure of pregnant mice and nonhuman primates to ultrasound waves may affect the behavior of their exposed offspring. Additionally, studies have shown that the frequent exposure of the human fetus to ultrasound waves is associated with a decrease in newborn body weight, an increase in the frequency of left-handedness, and delayed speech.

Because ultrasound energy is a high-frequency mechanical vibration, researchers hypothesized that it might influence the migration of neurons in a developing fetus. Neurons in mammals multiply early in fetal development and then migrate to their final destinations. Any interference or disruption in the process could result in abnormal brain function. (Source: American Society of Radiologic Technologists)

More resources:

Ultrasound: Weighing the Propaganda Against the Facts (Midwifery Today)

The Dangers of Prenatal Ultrasound

Ultrasound Scans May Harm Unborn Babies

Questions about Prenatal Ultrasound and the Alarming Increase in Autism