The Power/Control Wheel – Stopping the Abuse

Recently this wheel was posted on a forum I was frequenting, and I found it really interesting. Click on the picture above to view larger (pdf).

There have been three abusive individuals in my life. The pastor I grew up with was spiritually and emotionally abusive, my mother was mentally and emotionally abusive, and my ex-husband was mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive. My ex-husband was the most recent abuser so I’ll discuss that experience.

Breaking the abuse cycle is not easy. In fact, it’s probably the single most difficult thing a person will face in their life. For me, it meant first acknowledging abuse was happening. There was a level of shame and embarrassment in acknowledgment, especially because it was my spouse. I chose this man to be my husband, and I was having to admit I’d made a HUGE mistake. It was harder to admit abuse was present than I would have expected, so for 5 years I lived with the abuse and tolerated it, probably because I felt I was partly to blame. I had gone into the marriage voluntarily, hadn’t I? I didn’t tell my family or friends what was happening in the privacy of my home because I felt it was a reflection of my character.

When the abuse started affecting my son, and I found myself protecting him from a violent rage and arguments, I was ready to face the reality of my situation.

Once I admitted the abuse was happening, I had to make the decision to speak out against it. Bring it out in the open to my abusive spouse, and then to my family and support network. Label it “abuse”. There was a lot of denial and indignation on the abuser’s part, but I needed my ex to know I was aware of what he was doing. Part of the abuse I experienced included “crazy making”. It was mental abuse where he would put me down, manipulate, lie, and belittle me. When I would try to call him on it, he would go to the extreme to prove it had never happened, that he was a loving husband, and I was just crazy.

Once I realized counseling was not going to work (he was manipulating and lying through the whole thing), I had to make the decision to leave. Where to start? I had invested 5 years of my life into this relationship. I had left my home town to move to his town. I had given birth to our child. I had no life in my home town any longer. Where do I go? Who can help me? HOW do I leave? What if he figured out I was leaving and took my son and held him ransom for my freedom? Was I prepared to stay for my son’s sake? The questions swirling around in my mind were overwhelming.

So I made a plan.

First I needed a place to go. I called my parents and explained the situation. They offered to buy me a one way ticket and let me stay in a camper van in their driveway till I figured out my financial situation.

Next I needed a valid excuse to leave. My brother was getting married that fall, so I decided I would use that as excuse for going home to “visit” my family. How to explain the one way ticket? Well, my ex was unemployed and we were facing eviction. I said I would stay with my family till he figured things out.

What do I take with me? I didn’t want to risk him finding out my plan, but I was going for a minimum of 3 months (or so he thought) so that justified the large amount of luggage. Four cardboard boxes at maximum allowed size and weight. I hid pictures and files of my personal information in amongst the clothes I was packing. I decided that material possessions, no matter how special or sentimental, were not as important as the safety of me and my child. They were sacrificed for freedom’s sake.

When I arrived in British Columbia, Canada a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I remember standing on the ferry crossing to Gabriola, where my parents live, and the sun felt brighter somehow. The sky was bluer. The air was fresher. An ecstatic joy filled my heart and being. I was free.

The next few months passed in a blur. I broke the news to my ex over the phone, and started looking into filing custody and divorce. The reality of my situation came crashing down, and I had to find a way to support me and my child. We needed a place to live. I needed a job. My son needed a daycare while I worked. The first year was one of the most difficult I’ve ever experienced, but the rewards were far above anything I’ve ever experienced either. I was free. A deep peace gently encompassed our home.

If you are reading this, and are currently in an abusive relationship, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it. Stop denying the pain you are in. Talk to someone you can trust. Sure there are good moments in every abusive relationship, but the bad moments will overshadow any good and you need to seek help. Start with counseling. Take it one day at a time. The one thing that I always tell people seeking advice from me is that only YOU can make the decision to leave. Nobody else can make that decision for you.